Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
