I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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