My underwear smells like fireworks.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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