awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
this hospital has no fireball
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
