I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
