My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Randomize
