I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
