I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
