I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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