oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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