You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Randomize
