dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
