hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
