My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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