dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
