Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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