Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
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