I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
