oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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