just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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