he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
