i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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