i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
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Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
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I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
She made me pour olive oil on her.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
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