OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Randomize