I am midnight drunk by noon
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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