Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
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