final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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