theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
