Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
