please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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