I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
