I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
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I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
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I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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