This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Randomize
