Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
