Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
