So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
