screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
