great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
