oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Randomize