tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
