tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
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Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
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Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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