im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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