4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
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