If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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