So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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