when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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