I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
