I was born with a shot glass in my hand
It was confusing and full of hummus
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
