glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
