i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
