dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
