If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
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He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
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I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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