I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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