Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
