Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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