you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
