My cat gives me a boner
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Randomize
