I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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